My milk came in quickly this time. On the afternoon of day 2 so begun that hot tell-tale feeling in my breasts. By the evening, as with both my other children, I get that slightly "weird" feeling. Almost dizzy but not quite. Sorta feverish, but I’m not hot. It’s like a "body ache", but I don’t hurt. Its hard to explain, I’m certainly NOT sick & I don’t feel that bad, it’s just this feeling in my body, this hot, full feeling…it is my milk. Of course!, It is my milk coming in. It’s a strange feeling, it has taken 3 babies to recognize it & understand it. My entire body responding to that time when the milk 1st enters my breasts. It is a full body experience, just like the conception, the pregnancy & the birth, it has taken all of me to create & give (& go on giving) the goodness this life now outside me demands.
My son is just like his Daddy…the boy NEVER stops moving! He rubs his feet together, pushes himself into a standing position on my lap, waves his arms around, bobs up and down…you name it. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to have him in the sling because he is going nuts! LOL
What I was *not* prepared for was the intense anger I’ve been feeling inside when he gets out of control! He hits visitors, his siblings, my husband and me. When I calmly tell him "people are not for hitting" he pulls away, sticks his tongue out or screams no! Or just makes a face and runs away! He has never been spanked! I have yelled a bit lately as my frustration has been rising, but I’ve really been working in that area. ARGH!!!
I often think about providing the POTENTIAL the FRAMEWORK for true life time happiness with both PP and AP. With both of them I work hard to allow every emotion to be expressed fully, and this gives my son future freedom from suppressed emotion – a HUGE source of chronic depression and anger later. I meet his needs, this gives him freedom from internal ’emptyness’ later in life (that I walk around with all the time. a source of endless suffering for me). I express to him total confidence in his ability to learn, communicate, express and grow. This encourages him to have freedom from limitation judgements from others (like future peer groups, MIL etc.) I express to him that his body is a perfect, beautiful, healthy, functional, amazing place to live, that all his bodily functions happen well, that his body is wise and lovely. This hopefully will give him freedom from body shame. I express to him that his emotional growth, his learning curve, his learning style are all JUST RIGHT FOR HIM. I express to him that being with him is joyful (even when he’s grumpy) and that loving him is easy and fufilling just because he is himself. This hopefully will give him freedom to seek out others who love him for himself later, rather than friendships/love relationships based on co-dependance/needyness etc. I express to him that his mission on this planet is already SO MEANINGFUL to me and others who love him, just because of WHO HE IS. That his very EXISTANCE enriches our lives (no matter his current behaviour). I hope this will give him freedom from a sense of worthless ness or meaninglessness that have paralyzed me for my whole life. I assure him frequently that he is NOT responsible for anyone elses’s feelings or happiness. It is not his job to fix me or make me happy, that I’m an adult and have the skills for that job – his job is to express himself to me. This will give him freedom from taking on the mistaken responsibility to ‘make others happy’.
6 years ago tonight, I was trying to sleep in my semi-private hospital room with J snugged in his isolette. The lady next to me had a C-section and baby had bilirubin problems and the nurse came in every hour or two and woke us up, but the lady kept her baby in bed with her. At the time I thought it was so weird…
The Third child is Godzilla:He destroys entire buildings, railroads and parking lots. The cry goes forth: “Mom, The baby, get the baby he’s wrecking my _________. ” The squirming drooling destroyer is removed to another room. The children sigh with relief, but he will be back- it is only a short reprieve.