Shayda was a much planned for pregnancy. I got pregnant after 7 months of trying and was ecstatic. The first trimester was rough as I had an episode of bleeding along with some side pain. I had an u/s that showed a gestational sac in the uterus (so no etopic) but no fetal pole. So the whole first trimester I spent worrying about miscarriage and blighted ovum (I bled on 3 occasions, once for a whole week). Once the second trimester came around, I was feeling awesome and started to get excited about planning the birth of this baby. Initially, since there were no homebirth midwives within thousands of miles of where I live, I was going to stay with my parents and hire a registered mw there. Then I met Trine, who I asked to be my doula and she introduced me to C, who had been a MW but was no longer practicing due to the regulations in our province. She agreed to help me plan a homebirth however! I was thrilled. I made sure I ate right, walked a lot and practiced relaxation. I did have to see a DR for prenatal appts however, so that in case of transfer they would have my records on hand. I never let on to the DR I was planning a homebirth, instead I went to the appts with questions and requests and a birth plan, so that at least if I did end up in the hospital, my wishes would be well known.

So, fast-forward to 38 weeks of pregnancy. I had been doing some major nesting the week prior…painted the 2 bedrooms, pumped up the birth pool, rearranged furniture (with df's help!) and organized baby things. It was Sunday and I had an urge to go grocery shopping, even though there was no money in the account…that would come on Monday…so I used Visa. All week I had planned to clean the house, cook some frozen meals and organize closets. I figured I had a ton of time left. Baby Shayda had other ideas however.

I went to bed early because I had a dentist appt the next morning. It was a darn good thing I did because while I was in a deep sleep, at 4 am, my water broke! I woke up quickly to that unmistakeable warm wet sensation. Called for DF to quickly get me a towel, while I held perfectly still, trying not to move a muscle in order not to leak any more on to the bed than I had to. I have to say I was more than a little annoyed. I was still tired dammit! I still had a ton of things to do, never even mind my dentist appt! I had taken tons of vit C and zinc to avoid this! Argh. At the same time I was a little giddy. I was going to have my baby! It was neat because the day before I was talking to my belly, telling baby "if you want to be born exactly a month after your father's birthday, tomorrow's the day!" Thinking to myself "yeah right as if". So anyway, DF and I tried to go back to sleep. We couldn't. I got up and made something to eat. Was already feeling crampy and getting some mild ctx. DF went back to bed. I cleaned the kitchen and living room, thinking if C was coming over, the place better be at least presentable. I was a little upset also because my doula, Trine was out of town and not coming back for another week. So it looked like she was going to miss it. Who'd have thought I'd be having a baby at 38 weeks? DD came at 40 wks, and that was only after a LOT of messing around with my membranes and castor oil. I was pleased when the ctx started that I was only feeling them in front. I hoped this meant no back labour! Baby seemed very anterior and had been most of the pregnancy.

I putzed around for a bit. Tried to go back to bed but couldn't. Ctx were starting to hurt. I got online to let everyone know what was happening. I called C. She said she'd call back in an hour or 2, since things seemed to be starting out slow. Ctx were about 6 min apart and varying greatly in length. At about 10 or so, C called. She was on her way, but wanted to tell me that we'd probably have to go to the hospital, since Trine was out of town and couldn't help, plus C had just broken her tailbone and was having a hard time getting around. I was devastated. I cried and cried in DF's arms for a long time, still having ctx. I didn't want to go to the hospital! Oh, I didn't want to go. I told DF I just *knew* if I went I'd end up with an epidural and a c-section. He just hugged me and we agreed to just make the best of it by staying home as long as possible. Contractions were starting to really hurt and I had to moan with them. At this time my attitude sucked. I was pissed about the hospital, was tired of being tired, I was thinking how I was SO not ready for this yet…I was not ready for labour, I was not ready for a baby! I had so much left to do yet! I was thinking about how bad it already hurt and how nice and easy it would be at that moment to go to the hospital and just request the darn repeat c-section already. The only thing that stopped me at that point was the baby…knowing how bad a c-section would be for him or her. The baby was very active between and during ctx, so kept me very in tune.

C came over, checked baby's heart rate and did my BP. We talked for a bit. My contractions practically stopped when she showed up. She left for lunch and the ctx promptly started back up again. They were now more like 4-5 min apart and lasting at least a minute. I was really starting to hurt. Even my back was now killing me. DF filled up the pool and I got in. It was strange in a way though, because the contractions were definitely a bit wonky. I'd have what C called 'teasers' meaning it would start…then just die out. Other contractions lasted 15 seconds and hurt like hell, some lasted as much as 90 seconds. It was so strange. And in between ctx, I'd have what felt like small menstrual cramps. The coolest thing though was baby kept diving against my cervix during the contractions, which would then make the contraction more and more painful with each 'dive'. It was the most interesting feeling.

About an hour later, contractions were about 3-4 min apart and I was being noisy! Oh, and the pool didn't help with the pain at all. I guess I was counting on it to help too much and it didn't. That made me pissed off too. C came back from lunch and helped me with relaxation and breathing. I was already feeling a lot of rectal pressure and I had a lot of severe back pain. I had some tomato soup, and continued labouring. A while later (I had completely lost track of time by now) C had to quickly leave to drive her kids home, and she took DD with her. During the time she was gone, my contractions suddenly picked up in intensity and became pretty much one on top of another. I started getting really whiny and clingy to DF, moaning and crying, saying I didn't know if I could do this anymore, that it hurt too much, that my back hurt, that I had to push, and could he please help me. After I said, "help me" for the millionth time, he said, "well what do you want me to do about it?" I pondered for a minute and said, "I KNOW you can't do anything. It just feels better to say it." And it was true. That's how I dealt with the pain. I just whined and complained and moaned at the top of my lungs.

When C came back about an hour later, I was involuntarily pushing with each ctx. Right away she said we needed to go now, that I had to make sure I was 10 cm before I could push. This annoyed me at the time, seeing as how I had specifically put in my birth plan that even if I wasn't 10, I was going to follow my body's urges and that was that. I started crying again about how I didn't want to go to the hospital. DF, pissed at seeing me so freaked out of going to the hospital, got lippy and asked C what was the big deal with staying at home. I felt bad for putting her on the spot, but she was very good with her explanation, that she was hurting, that we didn't have any help, that she didn't have all the equipment. She assured me her job was to run interference for me at the hospital, and that she wouldn't let anyone do anything I didn't want (which was my biggest fear). This reassured me. I still cried though and said, "what if we go there and I have to push like this and I'm only 4 cm…C I'll die! I can't do this if I'm only 4 cm! What if it's exactly like with DD!" She told me that while she doubted I was only 4 cm, that we couldn't make any decisions or anything until we knew, and until that time, I was to stop speculating, and concentrate on breathing and relaxing. If I was 4 cm, then we would deal with it, she said. So I accepted the situation and we went.

Getting there sucked…I freaked on DF for going over bumps during a ctx, like he could help it. Thank God I only had 2 contractions along the way however. As soon as we got there I was whisked into the labour room. It took a good 15 minutes to get a heartbeat…first the doctor tried the EFM, then his hand held Doppler…nothing. I freaked, was sure baby was dead. Everyone told me to relax and tried to reassure me this was common, but who is really logical in labour? I wasn't. He finally found it, but could hardly hear it, kept losing it again, so got out the internal monitor. I felt awful for baby. He put that in and at the same time checked me. 5 cm. I start bawling, " I can't do this! I need some pain relief or something, I just can't do this anymore, it's too much like with DD and I have to push too bad." So we get prepped for an epidural. My DR was awesome, very calm and reassuring. The nurses were good too. They all helped me breathe (and moan and scream and swear) through contractions while the epidural was getting started. Then for the next hour, while I was patiently (HA!) waiting for the epidural to kick in, it was becoming obvious it wasn't going to work at all. I needed C or a nurse right in my face breathing with me, or I'd completely lose it. I was pushing so hard with some contractions. I just couldn't help it at all; it was a thousand times more intense than with DD. Baby's heart rate was going down with some pushes, but nothing too serious at first. I was checked again and was 6 cm. That VE hurt so bad, I screamed and it took awhile for me to calm down. I'd never before in my life had VE's that hurt until now. I again started crying how I couldn't do it anymore, I wanted a c-section please! Anything! C was absolutely wonderful. Her voice was so calm and reassuring! She reminded me that I'd never been to 6 cm before, that I had come further this time, and in way less time too, and that from 6 cm on, things usually go quickly. While at the time I think I said "C, I don't care, I just want it out." What she said really did hit home with me. I was at 6 cm! I started taking it one contraction at a time, even though I was still loud and complained constantly about how I had to push (let me push please! Oh please!!) how much my ass hurt (Oh god I'm gonna explode!) and how bad my back and hip hurt (C, put your hand on my back, nonono take it off! No, put it higher!) My doctor even stayed putting pressure on some acupressure points on my back, which helped tremendously (oh it was hilarious how I was bossing him around too, I'm sure everyone had a good laugh). We plugged along for a while. The pushing urge got even stronger. I was pushing out poop, pee and amniotic fluid everywhere. Ugh. I couldn't stop whining about how much the pressure hurt. No amount of breathing techniques were working anymore. The entonox (laughing gas) worked for a bit, but wasn't enough. C even tried to use counter pressure on my bum with a towel to try to get that pressure feeling under control, but it didn't work. Most contractions I was pushing uncontrollably. Baby's heart rate started to go down during these pushes. Everyone was telling me, "Tamara, you have to stop pushing for your baby!" I wanted to. Oh how I wanted to, but I couldn't. Baby's heart rate got even lower. 60's then 40's during the pushes. I'd start pushing, everyone would turn to the monitor and grab the oxygen and put it on my face, and C would get right in my face "STOP! Right now stop! Breathe! Tamara, look at me, TAKE A BREATH!" I couldn't. It was like getting hit in the diaphragm with a baseball bat and being completely winded, unable to breathe. My body was just pushing and there was nothing I could do about it. I had so little air left during a push that I couldn't even stop to say, "I'm pushing, help!" I had to mouth it because there was no air left for voice. It was SO powerful. In between contractions everyone started telling me how I HAD to stop to please do it for the baby. I started just bawling, "I'm trying! Oh I'm trying so hard, I can't, I'm really trying, it just won't let me!" I started begging for a c-section (again) if it meant that would be better for the baby. I didn't want my pushing to hurt the baby! I was so worried about the baby (something that never crossed my mind in my first labour…I knew she'd be fine). Again, everyone was very reassuring, telling me baby was recovering nicely as long as I didn't push, but I could tell they were more concerned than they were letting on. At about this time, one of the nurses came in and asked for consent for the pre-op meds…antacids and the like. A part of me was thinking "oh good, it's going to be over soon!" but I was so sad. I didn't want a c-section. Oh god, I didn't want one! I didn't come this far only to end up with a c-section for fetal distress!! I asked if they couldn't try the epidural again or something. So my doctor decided he was going to try a low-dose spinal. Somehow we had to get me to stop pushing. I was so nervous as they tried a spinal on me like 11 times with DD without success. My doctor got it in on the first try. Within minutes, I was mostly numb from the belly button down. Oh it was such a relief. Baby's heart rate immediately completely recovered, and stayed perfect during contractions. I could still feel contractions up top, but they didn't hurt much. I could feel them around my right hip too, and in my right groin. That part was still painful enough that C had to help me breathe through it. It was a very sharp kind of pain. But it was nothing compared to the pushing urges. I had the oxygen mask on me and was under strict instruction to do nothing between contractions except go limp, relax and breathe deep! I was checked again. 8 cm!! C said, "8cm!! Tamara you are SO close! You're almost there! You're doing SO great!!" And for the first time I really started to believe that maybe, just maybe I might avoid a c-section. The pain in my hip however was still excruciating, and my DR and C took turns with counter pressure on it. I asked the DR between contractions if the one-sided pain meant baby was asynclitic…he said it was hard to tell baby's position during the VE's, but that it was entirely possible. The pain in my hip was starting to make me nauseous. I warned everyone. C and the nurse started rushing around getting me a basin when I puked all over DF and myself. And I puked about 6 more times. Tomato soup everywhere! It was so gross. C however was thrilled! "That's such a good sign Tamara!! My midwife used to tell me that every time you barf, that's a centimeter and you don't have that many left!" I was checked again. Complete except for a small rim left on top. COMPLETE OMG! My DR said he'd be back in 15 minutes, to see if the lip was gone then we'd start pushing. After he left, Cindy was hugging me "Tamara! Do you know how close you are??? You're almost there!!!! You're nearly complete!! You're doing it!" I felt so good! I really was doing it. Not the way I wanted though, and even though I was thrilled, for some reason I started bawling. I couldn't believe I was there in the hospital, with a SPINAL for crying out loud. C was great yet again though and told me that while it was not 'ideal' in my mind, I had accomplished so much and that she was so proud of me. That helped so much, I had felt like such a failure and after she told me she was proud of me I felt so much better. The doctor came back and checked. Lip was gone! OMG it's time to push!

So here's me, the person who couldn't stop pushing an hour ago, wondering, how the heck do you push when you're completely numb?? I couldn't feel a darn thing down there. The nurse was great and they got me all set up. The instructions were to not do quick pushes, since I had tried those first and it wasn't moving baby down at all, that I was to do 2 long pushes per contraction. No more than 2 pushes though because of baby's heart rate. Each push was supposed to be 10 to 15 counts each. Gee, just like 'A Baby Story' I thought. Thankfully no one counted out loud though, I counted in my head and if I got tired before I was 'done' counting, I just stopped anyway. First we tried side lying. Right away they could tell it wasn't doing anything. So we switched to semi-sitting. That seemed to work for a bit. I got baby down to around +2 in a half hour (we started out at 0). It was so cool, you could actually see a bit of baby's head when I pushed. My doctor helped me reach down and touch baby's head. This was so exciting!! Then the progress stopped. Apparently baby's head was partway around the pubic bone, but not all the way. We tried some different positions. Even tried the squat bar…I couldn't quite pull up to a squat but I could pull most of my bum off the bed. It didn't help much either. Baby's heart rate was starting to decel a bit again. I was starting to see spots and get a headache from pushing, and the spinal was really wearing off…I could feel pretty much everything except the rectal pressure. And it was getting really hard to push through the pain, although pushing felt LOADS better than not doing anything at all. Baby hadn't moved at all in the last half hour, and then there was concern about the heart rate again, so vacuum was suggested. I agreed…this is the one part of the labour I'm not sure if it was really the right decision, but it seemed so at the time. It hurt going on, and hurt even worse the first push. Then suddenly, I felt baby's head 'give' on the next contraction and opened my eyes and saw the head pop out! Wow that was fast!! As I was integrating that sensation and looking in the mirror thinking, 'holy cow, there's a head coming out of me' I was told to push again right away. The shoulders came out with one big push, and a big scream from me. OW! They hurt more than the head! And the baby was on me! Whoa! A baby! A warm, slippery bloody blue baby! I started talking to baby right away, while crying, "Oh my God, I did it! Hi baby! Oh, I'm so happy to see you! Oh, open your eyes and breathe for mommy! Hi precious!" and Cindy and the doctor both go, "you did it!" I was told to not pull baby up though because the cord was pretty short. I cuddled baby and marvelled at the warm body that was only moments before IN me. I was in heaven. Then I realized no one had announced the sex, so I looked under the towel and took a peak. Now, my whole pregnancy I was convinced I was having a boy because the pregnancy was just so opposite of my first, and all the 'wives tales' and such all pointed towards boy. And according to Shettles, it should have definitely been a boy. I really wanted a girl though; I wanted DD to have a sister SO bad, but I didn't think I'd get that lucky. So when I lifted the towel and then the super thick umbilical cord so I could see, and saw the hot dog buns, I just freaked. I started bawling, "It's a girl!!!!! OH I wanted a girl so bad! Oh baby girl, I wanted you so much! Oh I'm so happy, oh my god, oh my god…" etc etc etc. I was totally blubbering all over the place. Everyone had tears in their eyes. Then they started working on the baby a bit with her on me, as she hadn't really pinked up or anything yet and was still floppy. They did some light suctioning on the baby while she was resting on me (apparently there was meconium near the end of pushing) and they did some gentle rubbing. They were SO gentle with her. She still wasn't responding though, so they took her to the warmer (right beside me, within arms reach) to give her narcan (guess those epidurals and spinals DO get to the baby - LOL). She was totally fine after that, she let out one or 2 really quiet cries, but didn't keep crying. DF cut the cord for the second time. Then they gave her right back to me. I was so in love. It was just the most amazing moment of my life. I just held her and cried and stared at her face. And cried. I talked to the baby, and she made sounds back. C said, "oh, how sweet, she's talking to her mummy!" My doctor came and gave me a huge hug and told me I did awesome, congratulations and "YOU DID IT!" C gave me a hug too and told me how proud she was of me and I just bawled and thanked her and the dr a million times. The nurse was wonderful too. I was just amazed at how well I was treated by the staff, I was SO terrified of the hospital…I think that was a very important lesson for me with this birth, that you can have a hospital birth and a positive birth experience.

The placenta came pretty fast, like 5 minutes after baby, and it hurt a bit more than I expected. I had in my birth plan that I wanted to see the placenta and take it home. The nurse was like, "oh, that's interesting" and C starting talking about how some people eat the placenta, or dry it and put it in capsules etc. I can't remember exactly who was in the room at that time, but I'm sure someone was thinking "gross", LOL.

Anyhow, I held Shayda as I was being stitched up. I had a 2nd degree tear, just one big one, straight downwards, no doubt because her head just popped right out. DF left to go get DD. She had come to the hospital with us at first, and just sat on the chair in the labour room, watching, being as good as gold. But when things got hairy, DF took her to stay with some friends. When she came back she was SO excited and totally not interested or concerned with the blood everywhere and me being stitched up. She wanted to see the baby! So she hopped up on the bed with me and C took some pictures. We still hadn't had the baby weighed so DF took Shayda to the next room to have that done. DD started freaking about them taking the baby. LOL. Baby was 7lbs and 19 'and a bit' inches long. Nearly the same size as DD. I got baby back right away and by then was done being stitched up. The doctor showed me that S's head was indeed asynclitic, and you could really tell by the molding…it looked just like DD's head did. C left and so did the doctor, both saying congratulations again. Was wheeled to a room and DF and DD went to go get us some food. I was FAMISHED. OH and it was such a treat to get to eat right away instead of 4 days later! Even if it was greasy fried chicken from the only place open in town that late! I was the happiest person in the world at that point. We snuggled and ate and gazed at baby. After awhile, DF took DD home, she was a bit upset about that, poor kid. She wanted to stay with the baby!

As the freezing wore off, my butt felt a bit sore, but NOTHING compared to a c-section. I was walking around fine, peeing fine. I just felt great. So the next morning I asked to go home. Everyone was like, gee are you sure?? I was SO sure. So I went home 12 hours after the birth. The dr gave me his okay, said congratulations again, and DF came to pick me up. It was SO good to be home! I just rested and held Shayda all day.

A few days later Shayda got massively jaundiced and we had to go back into the hospital for a couple of days. That sucked big time…it was so boring, although again the staff treated us nicely and we got a huge room with a TV to ourselves. And Shayda came around quickly as soon as she got under the bili lights. She has been such a sleepy/calm baby it was nearly impossible to wake her for nursing every 2 hours, but we managed. Once back home though she returned to her usual 3-4 hours of sleep, and nothing could convince her to wake up earlier. She is so opposite of DD, who used to wake up every hour, that it was worrying me tremendously at first, but since she has lots of wet/dirty diaps, I'm trying not to obsess. It's just strange to be dealing with such a mellow baby after a super high-needs one. I've had more sleep the last week than the whole pregnancy! It's just amazing the 2 different personalities!

As for my feelings about this birth…it's only been a week and a bit, so I'm sure I have a lot more 'processing' to do, but so far there have been a LOT of differences from the first time around. I still remember DD's labour and birth SO vividly…whereas this labour has almost completely faded from memory. Probably a lot of what I wrote here is off a bit, since I have such a hard time remembering everything. I swear the day after I was thinking, "I can't WAIT to do that again." DF thinks I've lost it. I say the moment they put Shayda on me, was the highest high ever, and it just blocked out everything else about the rough labour! I felt so well cared for, and important and loved. I truly now see the need for good labour support for every woman! It made a WORLD of difference for me…had C been there the first time, I highly doubt I'd have had a c-section.

And while this birth was far removed from the peaceful serene home waterbirth I had planned for, it was still beautiful to me. Yes, even with the poop and the barf, the screaming and complaining, plus all the interventions I still have nothing but warm fuzzies when I think about that whole day. Maybe it's because, a long while ago, when it was still early in my pregnancy and I was talking with C, she asked me, what was THE most important thing for me to accomplish in this birth. I thought about it, and it was I wanted a vaginal birth. Even if it was full of interventions, that was my bottom line. Of course I'm disappointed it wasn't at least drug free…but I can't see how it could have been done differently. I am still reeling from everything; I think S coming early really threw me off! I wasn't expecting an early baby but I'm pleased with the way things went overall, and I can't wait to do it all again…in about 5 years (grin).