I am looking for information on post-partum depression. I thought I had avoided this, but I guess not. I had it pretty bad with my first and it took me a long long time to finally move past it...if you could call it that. My PPD was directly related to my son's birth and events that took place in the hospital. I still feel a great deal of sadness about this.

I just had a new baby 8 weeks ago at home and it was a wonderful, loving, joyful occasion. I felt very happy and only felt the need to morn the loss of my pregnancy, which I'm now mostly over. Here's where it get's complicated... Recently, I've started fearing death. It's very strange and a bit hard to explain. I just can't seem to come to grip with the whole idea of me someday dying. It's like I've felt the realization of my dying before, and have been shaken for a moment and then have just gone on without another thought. But now I can't go on, I keep feeling that realization and it won't go away. I've also been having a hard time with the thought of endings in general. I think mostly the end of my birthing days. I'm having a really hard time with the thought of it coming to a close. We are still planning on at least 1 more child, but it all just seems so soon. I've also been looking back at places in my life I can never return to and then looking ahead to at places that will someday end.... I think I'm going NUTS...as do you by now:0) Anyways it's really hard to put into words. I'll just get to my question....

I want to find info on PPD. I'm looking for info that might put some light on why PPD happens, maybe even from a spititual stand point. I know that the PPD I had with my son was a motivation for me to seek out a gentler world for my children. So it IMO served a purpose. I want to look at it as a positive and necessary function. Something to learn from, not to be cured. Also, I'd like to ask if any of you have experienced it before... what was it triggered by, and how did you deal with it. Were you enlightened by it in any way? If so, how? If you've not experienced it please let me know as well...I'm trying to get an idea of how common it is.

THE RESPONSES:

• I experienced it with both my children but in different ways. With my first child, I had had a bad hospital birth and C-section so most of my PPD (actually it was more like PTSD) was directly related to that. The second time it was mostly triggered by the baby herself because just taking care of her made me concerned for her...it's kinda hard to explain. I dealt with it by visiting my parents and they helped me to see that the things I had been obsessing about were perfectly normal baby things...didn't help that my babies are SO opposite that what I learned with the first didn't apply at ALL with the second. I completely understand mourning the end of your birthing. I would actually like at least 1 or 2 more kids also, but I am sad that I've already had 2 in that I'm at least halfway done! I want to be just started. And I agree. I think that with my first the ppd served as a spark that completely ignited a whole new way of thinking for me...I was once completely mainstream and the PPD started me down the road to 'alterna'.

  This is something that's really hard to deal with! Obsessing about something, like death and dying for instance, is just a symptom, but at the same time you might also say maybe this is a sign that there is a lesson to be learned. This time my ppd mainly manifested itself by obsessing about my baby's health. Every cough and loose stool was cystic fibrosis, every time she turned a bit purple and mottled (probably just from being a bit cold) she had a heart condition - I just couldn't stop these thoughts! The interesting story in this is that I was so worried about CF I took my baby for the test (painless, fairly non invasive). When it was negative, the doctor suggested I focus those energies on maybe volunteering for CF. A few weeks later on the computer, while looking up some CF info for volunteering, I stumbled upon a memorial for those who had passed away with CF. I was completely and absolutely SHOCKED to find a picture of our former landlord on the website. To find out he had CF and died from it (he was 31 years old) and I had NO CLUE, even though he visited us regularly, stunned me. So yes, I wonder if this was not an awakening for me on this front, that somehow I'm meant to help in this somehow....

  Anyhow, enough rambling. I wish I had more information for you. Actually most things I read about PPD didn't apply to me at all! Even the symptoms were not the same, only one or 2 websites mentioned obsessing as a symptom. Anyhow, just thought I'd relate my experience, wish I had more for you!

• So much of what you've said hits home for me. I too wish I could just be starting with having my children. I feel so caught up in wishing I had it to do again, that I think I'm missing out on the importance of now, which is a whole other set of issues. After going back and reading my post, I find myself tearing up when I mention the end of my birthing days. I think this is what I need to focus on. I think the fear of dying is mostly the fear of me dying as a mother, the death of THAT part of my life, I feel may be even harder than the actual end of my life. I know I'll continue to be a mother, but I won't always be able to nurse them, hold them, teach them, and carry them in my body. That will all to soon come to an end. I just can't bare the thought and wish I could just stop worrying about it and enjoy the now. Like you were saying it's obsessive. I can't stop obsessing about it. I think you got some really good advise from your doctor. I think it's a wonderful idea to put that energy into your obsession in such a positive way. I also think it's very interesting what you found from your search.

  I think one thing that may come from this is my intense need to stay connected to birth and babies has got me to thinking about one day becoming a midwife. I don't know for sure though yet, but I do need to somehow stay connected to these things in my life that have become so much a part of me. I just can't see myself without the thoughts of birth, babies and breastfeeding running around in my head. I think when asked in the Spiritual If questions what makes you feel passionate or something like that, I should have answered these things because they've become such an amazing part of me and my spitit. I can never let them go from my soul.

• I don't want to tell you not to get treated for depression if that is what you are experiencing, but I experienced the same preoccupations with death after the birth of my child. It was more of a spiritual event than a biochemical one. Those preoccupations have been a wonderful gift. I don't think I would have considered death in any real sense until I gave birth. But now, I try to be mindful of death each day and it influences every act in my life. Maybe this preoccupation is sort of a spiritual alarm telling you to figure out just what exactly death means in your life. Better now than later, eh? Death should never take us by surprise. Those who have faced serious illness often live with a heightened sense of the value of life. I think by staying mindful of death we can also live this way (and so many of us are also unnaturally removed from death, never having killed an animal for food or lost a family member).

  I think the death alarm went off in me after birth because I was so attached to life (my own, my kids, my dh's). I don't know. I think it would have been a shame to medicate away my dark preoccupations because they were abnormal in this culture. Although certainly, they weren't attended by other physical symptoms of depression and for those I would seek a solution.

• I had mild PPD after my first birth and a horrible case after my second birth. I had panic attacks, fears of death, etc. I couldn't be left alone in my house with the kids; I had to have someone over all day until my husband came home. The nurse at my OB's office blew off my pleas, and I didn't really understand at the time what was happening to me.

  A friend gave me a checklist of PPD symptoms, and I think I was experiencing 8 of the 10. Her suggestion, and what I found in my own research: vitamin B6 can become depleted after pregnancy, and can lead trigger depression. I started taking high doses of vitamins, that included: 300mg of B6 (the max), B12, Inositol, Choline and Folic acid, plus the Dr. Weil recommended doses of the common vitamins. The change was noticable to myself and my family. I felt complete again; I wasn't having panic attacks, my sex drive returned, and memory loss subsided. I started sleeping better, also. Now, I lowered my dose of B6 to 100 mg and increase it to 300 about a week before my period is due. This has helped me immensely.

• I had PPD after my oldest's birth and was totally consumed with thoughts of death. Every time I walked out of my house I was afraid of car accidents, planes falling out of the sky, having a heart attack, you name it. Then it went on to include thoughts of my children dying, my husband dying, and then the worst was me dying while home caring for them and nobody finding out until the children were dead too. ****shivers***** I had panic attacks so severe that I would have to pull over on the side of the road to regain my composure and catch my breath so as not to pass out while driving. I would be so worried about choking and dying that my throat would literally become paralyzed and in fact cause me to choke on whatever I was eating, event to the point of choking on my own saliva or not being able to swallow. I lost all desire for sex. I fantasized about just walking away from my family. I wanted to just "set my baby down" on the floor and leave. Didn't really want to hurt her but just didn't want to deal with her. I fought with everyone. Thought everyone was judging me. Entertained suicidal thoughts and often thought of killing us all.

  For reasons which make no sense to me now, given the fact that I almost lost all that mattered to me and potentially could have done something I could never take back, I did NOT seek help. My dh pleaded with me and although he never came out and said it I knew that if something didn't change he was going to force the issue, even if it meant taking my daughter out of my care for her own protection and his peace of mind. So what did I do? I faked it. I totally shut down and stopped discussing my feelings with ANYBODY. Got off line, everything. A few weeks later, guess what? I was PREGNANT!!! Now I knew I had to do something or I just wouldn't make it, so I made changes in my life. I started working out every day, changed my diet to include more healthy and health-ful foods and less fat and carbs. I started taking the prenatal vitamins that I blew off the first time because they made me sick. Soon, I began to feel better. Sort of the idea of fake it till you feel it, say it till you believe it.

  But the problem for me is, even though it never returned in force after the birth of my second child, I still live with the remnants of it to this day. I had an agonizingly horrible (mentally) pregnancy and am now an on and off again emotional mess. I am actually working through it differently this time and when I have time to write (another) novela I will let you all know. It includes lots of writing and meditating, though.

• Everyone has given you such great advice on your situation, I probably cannot add any more to it! On the topic of medication, there are very few conventional meds that are incompatible with BF. There are also a lot of alternative treatments available that are also compatible with BF. Whichever you decide is right for you, keep in mind you might have to try several before finding what works best. (If you decide to medicate or seek treatment.)

  For me, looking back at my baby days, I WISH I WOULD HAVE SLOWED DOWN A BIT. TAKEN IT TO A LOWER LEVEL AND APPRECIATED AND HELD SACRED MORE OF IT TO CHERISH. Those days go by so slow when they are happening. Yet, when they are over, they're gone forever. It's so unfair! I had PPD after each one of my pregnancies. The 1st because of a nightmare birth and failed BF attempt. The 2nd because of the pressure of having 2 -- that I was not ready for. The 3rd, an awesome birth experience coming to an end. The 4th -- a little different, but just as upsetting as my full term pregnancies, PTS after a termination. The strongest was with the 3rd. I felt like I had died. Part of me was gone forever. I had concentrated so long on my birth and having my baby MY way, I lost part of myself when it was over and done with. I cried almost every hour. I cried looking at anyone in the eyes. I balled and I balled. Until I decided to make it part OF me. This part is still within my being. It can never be taken away from me. It's what makes me ME when I birth. It makes me ME when I tend to a birthing womyn. It's my intuition -- how I know when something is not right at birth, etc. It's how I know what necessary and what's uncalled for, etc. Once I was able to grasp this destinct part of my soul, I felt complete again. I hope you can find completeness very soon.

  Oh, one thing that really helped me was a ritualistic burial of my baby's placenta. It was VERY calming, and I would often find myself wandering around, close to the flowering bush we planted it under. It helped me to see the LIFE that came from that bush, life that was aided by part of me and my child's life force. Every flower was the most beautiful flower I had ever seen.

• I second looking into natural remedies (if you decide to medicate). I appreciate that all of us respond differently. So,if you decide to medicate, you may find you need a prescription/chemical medication. However I just urge you, to explore your options and be aware that sometimes trial and error is necessary. For me, I found a herbal infusion (prescribed by a Naturopath), combined with therapy (talking), massage AND pure recognition that I was infact depressed, very much the right foot to begin walking my path of healing.

• I want to thank you all! I haven't had much time to respond to all your posts, but now that I've got a minute I want you to know how helpful and comforting it's been to read them. I think it's really ineresting that the fear of death played a roll in almost all of our PPD. I can only wonder why.

  Thank you all for being so open and detailed in your responses. I have been feeling a lot better the last little while and have been doing things to help feel more connected to LIFE. Like turning the TV off and trying to live each day to the fullest. It's a stuggle at times, but I'm working on it.