Okay, I try really hard to be a positive parent but sometimes I feel like I'm bordering on permissive. A lot of the time, I know what will "set DS off" and I avoid those things... Not like I don't go places or whatever but I generally know how to work with them. Lately, however, DS has very loudly been protesting what seems to be *everything*. I realize this is a natural progression of his independence and I'm pleased that he feels safe enough to voice his independence; however...I'm having a difficult time finding a way to "feel good" about the limits I must set.

Let me give you an example. For the past week, DS has refused to allow us to change his diaper. It doesn't matter how wet that thing is or even if there is poopy. He runs behind the couch and hides back there. I firmly say "DS there are no options, we must change your poopoo. You can either come lay down for me to change it or I will come and pick you up." He will scream bloody murder when I pick him up, kick, scream, etc. while I change his diaper. Now, I realize I *have* to set this limit but I have SUCH a hard time with what I perceive to be any sort of physical or emotional force that I get very upset in these situations and sort of lose focus as to how to handle them. This is where the abusive childhood rears its ugly head and I flinch and can't see straight.

I am ALWAYS very careful to give him options: "DS, we need to do _____ and you may do this by _____ or I will do ______." Making sure to give him the goal, a way he can do it himself or how I will do it for him. However, when it comes to "enforcing" the options, I have a difficult time when the screaming and protests start.

Am I doing the right thing? I realize that I cannot simply "do things another way" all the time (i.e., ignore the dirty diaper, etc.) but, man, I feel like my father when I have to "force an issue" and I hate that feeling.

THE RESPONSES:

• It sounds like you're setting clear expectations; maybe part of what is making him react the way he does, is the uncertainty that you have? I have manhandled my children and will again in certain situations WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS. Getting into a carseat, changing a diaper that NEEDS changing are two that come to mind. If it's not negotiable, it's not negotiable, and all you can do is respond with compassion and understanding, but still do it.

• For me, it is all in the language I use. I don't really know for sure if the words or approach to these difficult moments really makes any difference at all to my kids, but it does for me. I use the same phrases time and again as a focal point for ME so I don't lose my cool (and I have lost it many times in the past 8 years over diaper changes, carseat trauma and broken cookie scenarios). What has always worked for me is the following:

  Verbally acknowledging the indignance by saying something like, "I hear your anger - I see that you don't want.... - it really makes you angry when I..."

  Then, I say, "After we change your diaper, we can (you can, I will) do such and such (have numnums, go back to playing, looking at the book...).

  The best advice I can offer is when you feel the situation escalating into a "battle of wills" take a few minutes/even seconds to divert yourself to another task (finding the car keys, getting the washcloth wet and warm again, taking a long cool drink of water etc.) and then return to him with a slightly different approach. Those moments will do wonders for our resolve and his willingness to allow himslef to be changed or whatever.

  Also, working it so he comes to the conclusion that it is really HIS choice to get his diaper changed will deinitely change his attitude.

  And, I'll add in my rambling that, I have seen this come and go with my girls and other children as....a phase. Go with it, Mama. It really isn't any big thing, I swear.

  I was also going to say that you set yourself up when you think about this situation using negative terms like screaming bloody murder, force the issue and when you are checking yourself to see if you are showing signs of being abusive to your son like your abuser was (still is, in echo) to you.

  You have the power and ability to transcend all that and believe whatever you want about your mothering instincts. your son is ready and willing for you to be firm and defining of the boundaries he can depend upon. You would benefit from that too.

  The thing is, this is all part of the process of growing as a family, there is no right or wrong way. There is only being HONEST and TRUE to your own instincts and to your son's needs and potential for LOVE.

• I SEE that..it is so hard in practice. I spend a lot of time making sure that my instincts are, in fact, instincts and not conditioned responses from my own abusive childhood. It is difficult at times to do - there have been instances where I thought it was instinctual but realized that it was thinking from being conditioned (like when we were having issues with eating at the table - which by the way, has completely resolved itself BECAUSE we allowed DS to work himself into whatever he wants...I'd say he eats about 80% at the table with us, sitting down :> and the other time at his own little bar stool).

  I am so worried that *any* "force" is going to push me over the edge to be who my father was even though I *KNOW* I am not that person..does that make sense?

  I will always be battling the chains of abuse, I think but I know I have beaten and will continue to rise above it.

  Last night we literally had to hold him down to get his diaper and his jammies on...it is so difficult for me when he's screaming out in anger and I am the "cause" of it, so to speak even though I KNOW I'm doing a good thing by being firm and setting his boundaries.

• Recently I've begun to feel like the odd-man-out on this issue. I rarely, rarely force anything. It makes me sick to my stomach - maybe partly because DD FIGHTS it. I think some children pretty quickly "submit" to the action, but my girl just doesn't, it's a struggle to the bitter end.

  Luckily, DD doesn't have much trouble with diaper rashes, so if she has a poopy diaper and it takes 30 minutes until she'll cooperate with getting it changed, it doesn't seem to have any negative effects other than a stinky house (phew!). It takes a lot of goofiness on my part, there are several things I do and try to get her to agree, but it eventually happens. For a while I'd change it while she watched herself on the LCD screen of our video camera. For another while, after she'd found a pacifier in a bag headed to the Salvation Army, I'd change it while she played "little tiny" and laid on her back on the bed with the pacifier, going "goo, goo"!! Recently she's been pooping about 15 minutes before DH comes home for his dinner from work, and when he pulls in I put on a sense of urgency and we HURRY!! HURRRY! to get it changed before he gets in the door...it seems that if the diaper change is for a specific reason she's more interested.

  The few times I have changed her diaper against her will (since, of course, she was about 8 mos old and just starting to let her wants be known) have been when she was very, very sleepy, and I couldn't let her fall asleep in it because there's no way I can change it once she's out. In those cases I've actually changed it while she nurses (sorry!) and at least that way I'm not having to physically restrain her from moving away from me, at least she's there voluntarily.

  Same with the car seat...sometimes it was literally half an hour before she would get in, but I simply cannot stand to have to apply the kind of force I have to to put her in against her will. And I don't even have any abuse in my past, I can't imagine what it must feel like to someone who does.

  I too think these things are a phase that will eventually change - just that for me, during the phase I chose to deal with it in a way that felt true to *me.* Either way, you come out of it with the child going along (again) with whatever the desired activity is. She climbs in her car seat almost always without any difficulty these days - my near-permissiveness didn't cause her to become a child who always fought that issue.

  Don't know if this made much sense, and maybe I'll find out down the road that she really doesn't believe I'm the parent or something. I just wanted to share with you that maybe, maybe, you jumping through hoops or going to elaborate ends to elicit willingness from your son on some things doesn't make you a permissive parent. And if it makes you uncomfortable, maybe you'd be right to try something else.

  Don't let me confuse you, though! This stuff is so darn complicated, mentally, sometimes. When I was right in the middle of the carseat wars I had a few people suggest that I just be more firm, and since my current tactic wasn't "working" (i.e., resulting in a Stepford child) I felt like I had to try something else, so their words were the ones I remembered in the heat of the moment. Really think about this (as if you haven't already!) and don't let my thoughts influence you unduly just because they are an alternative.

  You've read Raising Your Spirited Child, haven't you?

  One more bit; I will physically restrain her for safety reasons, like when she won't be redirected or distracted from sitting on the edge of our partly-glass coffee table. I won't do it for things that aren't going to get her hurt.

• Actually, I've haven't. DS is so mellow but I guess that doesn't mean not spirited... he is very stubborn and independent..traits he acquired directly from his mother.

  BTW, DS also fights to the bitter end.

• DD's not 'spirited' either but the book really made me more aware of; ways TO and NOT TO work around her personality traits. Much of what is in there related to what other parenting experts (the kind I like, that is!) refer to as changing the environment. For instance, maybe for your particular child you can only go grocery shopping in the early a.m.: it doesn't mean you're knuckling under to his will, it just means you're making the best, wisest choice for the health and well-being of you, the child, and your relationship.

  It's full of those kind of thoughts, just a great book. I would like to re-read it, once I finish The Optimistic Child which has been a real struggle!

• We are going through similar scenarios at this time and I have finally found something that really does work with DD. First, she is definitely spirited - the book seemed to have been written about her. So I NEVER battle with her if I can avoid it, because guess who else is spirited? Yes, ME. We would spend our days fighting and never win a battle, KWIM? Anyway, I digress...

  What has been working lately with us is to let DD tell ME when she wants her diaper changed. I will usually just casually mention to her that I smell a poopy, and tell her to let me know when she would like her diaper changed. Usually she'll laugh, say "ooooohhhh stinky, EEEEEEWWWWWWW" (lol) and run around saying "NO NO NO NO NO" for a while. If I don't press it, but wait till she wants ME to do something, she has no problem with it.

  Lately though, she has been taking her diaper off and peeing on the potty. So maybe we're on the way to no more diapers. We shall see.

  I know I struggled with DD for months on end until I realized that in my case, my best option is not to struggle at all. Good luck!!!! THese times are so damned trying but so damned WONDERFUL!!!!

• DS went through the hating -to-be-changed stage and it is so difficult to have to force them physically, especially when there are abuse issues lurking in or own pasts. {{{{hugs}}}}

  What I finally realized is that he needed help transitioning to the idea of getting his diaper changed. I'd cheerfully say "DS, I need to change your diaper,where are the wipes? Do you want the fish diaper or the teddy bear diaper?" he could help or not, but he could see me getting things set up to change his diaper, so he felt less attacked when I would get him to change him.

  It didn't always forstall a tantrum, but theres nothing wrong with choosing issues that are non-negotiable (like changing a poopy diaper, or putting him in the carseat) and gently but firmly validating his feelings while doing what needs to be done.

  To me, the key is in validating the feelings. my abusive parents never validated our feelings - you couldn't have feelings that they didn't feel like dealing with, and negative ones were never allowed!

  DS went through the diaper thing for what felt like forever, and I'm now realizing its been a really long time since he's consistantly fought a change!

  We also discovered a way to make getting into pajamas at night a little easier, DH takes him outside to talk to the moon every night (he looks for it, then tells it goodnight) so he's willing to get changed and pj's on to go outside with daddy!