My daughter just hates having me brush her teeth or her hair, and she isn't skilled enough to do it herself. (And she has cavities, so we really have to brush.) I've done all the creative things I can think of and nothing's worked, or not for long.

I should say my daughter seems to have body boundary issues generally, even though I have always been super respectful of her body. She sometimes just hates being touched, or if I gently take her arm to guide her away from a dangerous situation and she will scream that I am hurting her...that kind of thing. She is also very physically affectionate, likes to cuddle and hug, but on her own terms; she prefers to initiate and, if in a great mood, is receptive to dh or I asking to cuddle or hug her.

So she just *hates* to have her teeth brushed. It really *hurts* her, as with brushing her hair, I mean even if I hit just the tiniest tangle. I try to be SO gentle and hold the hair at the root with one hand and brush softly with the other. And when brushing teeth she just hates the way the brush feels against her gums or along the sides of her molars. (I can only brush the front four teeth well, the rest forget about it.)

Okay, so I ask a parenting counselor about it, and my counselor says, "Take her to the dentist, that usually does it." (I question whether that is a scare tactic and therefore, coercive, but, we'll set that aside for now.) We go every three months. Or let her brush my teeth before or after. I've tried that. I've tried explaining the reasons behind brushing. I've tried saying, "sorry, but you have to," and forcibly holding her and brushing them. (I'm not proud of that, but I'm admitting it and I know it's not right.) I've tried different toothbrushes -- okay, the one possibility is the crazy funky-colored electric one and if she could do it herself and that would get them clean enough, that would work. Different toothpastes, different positions (her lying down, her sitting up, sitting in my lap, standing). I've tried establishing a bedtime routine with toothbrushing a well-defined step in the routine. (That has worked the longest, but it's falling apart now. The toothbrushing step only).

We have talked about cavities in teeth and dreadlocks in hair, so her answer when I say "Let's go brush your teeth now," is, "I don't want to -- I want to have boo-boo teeth," and her reply when I gently remind her that her hair needs brushing is, "I think I want dreadlocks."

I'm stuck. I'm usually good at coming up with a way for things to work for both of us, and I am a mostly noncoercive parent, striving to be totally noncoercive. Maybe there is something I am just not seeing here, so I bring this question to Motherspirit. How can I keep my toddler groomed and healthy (and I would be happy if she let me brush her hair once a week, it's very fine and doesn't tangle much, and her teeth each night before bed) without violating her physically? Anyone have any experience, new perspective, advice to share?

THE RESPONSES:

• I've read this and re read it and tried to put myself in your shoes.... I have no ideas that are "good" really. The only thing I thought of really was do it in her sleep. Weird I know, but I get more things done grooming-wise to my daughter when she's super tired, or just plain asleep. Our main thing is her nails. She scratches herself a lot, and when her nails get long..WHEW! But, she HATES to have me clip them. I've never hurt her, she just hates it. So, I do it in her sleep now. The other thing I've done for things like this is do it when we are on a trip somewhere and do it in her carseat. For some reason, she doesn't object to being restrained by the seat as much as she objects to being restrained by mama. When I want to do her hair, I usually end up doing it when we get where we are going. I just do it real quick like it's no big deal right before we get out of the car. My last idea is...does she have friends? Cause my daughter likes to do things her friends do. We had her friend Frankie over, and Frankie LOVES washing her hands...after a day of it, my daughter now LOVE it too.

  My only other thoughts are that this, like most things we encounter, is probably (and hopefully) a phase, and just to remember "this too shall pass."

• My daughter is much the same as yours. She may not want me to ______________ but if I excitedly *remind* her that so and so (at this point in time, don't laugh, it is either Dorothy (from Wizard of Oz) or Lisel (the oldest girl in Sound of Music)) she will immediately change her mind. It is the craziest thing.

  Me: Here, hon, let's put on your shoes.
  Dd: No, mom, no shoes today.
  Me: Aw come on, don't you want to be able to walk with me in the store?
  Dd: No, mom, no shoes I said.
  *puts dd into car with no shoes and tucks shoes into baby's diaper bag where I also always have other tricks hidden away*
  
  Once we arrive at the store...
  Me: *starts putting shoes on without saying anything*
  Dd: WHAT YOU DOING MOM I SAID NO SHOES!
  Me: Oh, sorry, you're right, you said no shoes. *stop putting on shoes and sit on van floor*
  Dd: Mama, come on, let's shopping. I wanna shop.
  Me: Hmmm...do you think Dorothy wears shoes when she goes shopping?
  Dd: *all excited* Yes, mama, she has her RUBY SLIPPERS.
  Me: *whipping out Jordan's flashy red sparkly Dorothy shoes*
  You get the picture.

  We have also named some of her shoes Lisel shoes, she has Dorothy and Lisel dresses and even a simple blue shirt can be a Dorothy shirt if she wants it to be LOL. Anway, just had to share! PS reading through this again it does sound coercive but it really doesn't feel that way in action. Dd is the one who has "named" her clothing and she truly seems to enjoy the game...

• I have only in the last six months had more than spotty success with getting my daughter (age 3) to brush her teeth. She seems a bit like your DD. She's never been one to just sit by passively while I do anything she's not choosing to have done...getting her dressed, for instance. I've seen so many parents dressing their kids (or even undressing them) when the kids were half-asleep: my daughter would LOSE IT. She's not too bad with brushing her hair, but I keep it pretty short (especially since she trimmed it herself) and we only do it quickly about once a day.

  The teeth, though. One thing that worked for a while was the Raffi song about brushing..."When I wake up in the morning it's a quarter to one, and I want to have a little fun, I brush my teeth tsh tsh tsh tsh, tsh tsh tsh tsh tsh." (With brushing going on while we "tsh tsh tsh tsh") "When I wake up in the morning it's a quarter to two, and I want to have, something to do, I brush my teeth tsh tsh tsh tsh, tsh tsh tsh tsh tsh..." And so when I'd start to sing, she'd come running in and want to brush with me. Sometimes she'd brush mine and I'd brush hers, sometimes she'd brush hers. I tried really hard to make it just be fun, but I started to get on her about not swallowing the spit a few too many times, and she quit coming running in when I'd start to sing.

  Then for a while, she wanted to be Oddball (from 102 Dalmatians, which she's only seen part of) and I would be a veterinarian, brushing Oddball's teeth, taking care of that doggie breath. Then, Oddball's mommy would come in (me again, dual roles) and admire Oddball's clean teeth, then point out that the veterinarian had forgotten to floss! So the vet would come back in and actually get to floss a few teeth.

  But then we went on vacation and that fell by the wayside. Just this last week, I brought out the toothbrush and a sport-top bottle and a bowl and told her I could brush them while she sat on the couch. She's been watching Scooby Doo (yeah, real educational TV) and if she just completely ignores me asking her to show me her teeth so I can brush them, I shut it off. That gets her attention, and she WANTS to see the rest of it, so I turn it on and brush while she watches. (This sounds awful, but it's really calm and matter-of-fact...just, "Here, sweetie, I'm going to brush your teeth while you watch the rest of this show. Honey, can you even hear me? If you can't respond to me while the TV's on I'm going to have to shut it off so I can get your attention for a few minutes." (click) And then she turns to me with her little teeth all showing, ready to brush, and I turn the TV back on.) She really likes to spit in the bowl, and to get the rinse water from the sport-top bottle, and she brushes her tongue at the end. Several times she's then followed me into the bathroom and wanted to floss, too. Hurray!

  Just some other ideas. The Oddball one she started all on her own, but maybe doing some pretend play like that would help for a little while?

• have you tried using a hair conditioner yet? My hair is really thick and DD's is also - plus, hers is super curly. I don't even try to comb it, but if I condition it heavily when I wash her hair it doesn't tangle much at all. (And the conditioner lets old tangles work out very easily during the washing.)

  On toothbrushing, we have good days and bad. I call it "tooth tickles" and sometimes nuzzle her with my nose to make her laugh and brush them while she laughs, then do it again and again until we're done. Sometimes, though, she isn't in the mood to laugh about it - those days I suspect I am doing it too late in the evening and should have done it before she gets so cranky.

• I've never thought about using a conditioner. My daughter has curly, messy, unruly and tangly hair...and she WILL NOT allow me to brush it, even when wet. (So it happens maybe once every few weeks.) I have very straight hair, and have absolutely no clue when it comes to caring for curly hair. I was thinking about checking the HFS (next time I go) to see if there are any natural detangling sprays on the market.

• I think detangling sprays are good, but not enough. The best detangler I've used is Aussie Slip Detangler, but any conditioner works if used in large enough quantities. I've used the detangling sprays on myself, but they aren't anywhere close to effective alone. Used with conditioner, they're nice but I'm not sure they're worth the money.

  I think combs are just not meant for curly hair. To me, the whole advantage is that you don't have to do ANYTHING to it but wash it and gently pull out the tangles while conditioning. Combing tangly hair while wet is even harder on it, because it stretches and breaks it. Much better for the hair to do it while dry, in my experience.

• Well, here are two possibilities. There is an e-mail list called "baby tooth decay"...very good list. A friend of mine who is on the list doesn't force teeth brushing. (She is a complete TCS parent.) She says that tooth decay isn't painful and losing the teeth (having them rot out), is better than coerced brushing. She does not believe that baby tooth decay affects adult teeth.

  My daughter has the beginnings of tooth decay. I do believe that baby tooth decay affects adult teeth. So...we brush. Most of the time it's ok, and fun (we use all of the tricks above), but sometimes it's just not. I empathize, I talk about her feelings, I tell her exactly what I'm doing and why, but I brush her teeth. I'd rather do this, than have to face VERY traumatic dental procedures (including general anesthesia! yikes!) in the future.

• For toothbrushing we talked about why we brush. What can happen if we don't. The child "brushes" first and then we check while we sing a song "Brush, brush, brush our teeth, brush our teeth today, Let's chase all those cavity dudes away." Sung to Row your Boat. You would be amazed at how well they can brush just by sitting listening to music and munching on a brush.

  Sometimes it can help if you let your child "check" your teeth while you check theirs. Be on your toes for this one!! You could also stand in front of the mirror and model the behaviour for her, each with your own brush. Explain where to brush etc, and she can watch you and do the same as you do. Many adults tend to brush their own teeth too vigouroulsy. My kids won't let DH near them with a toothbrush as he is "rough." But he is a hard brusher and can squash a brand new toothbrush in a few days. My dentist said that we don't have to "scrub" our teeth on the sides. Instead he suggested we stroke the brush gently from the gums down or up depending on whether you are doing top or bottom teeth and then gently "scrub" only the molars. Also we say we have to check to make sure all the food from the last meal is all gone. Let the child check in the mirror. (Oh yes, a child height mirror is a good idea, we have one in both bathrooms). Now you can check. Ask the child what vegetable you had for dinner then say "okay I am going on a carrot hunt." "You must have brushed the top well no carrots here." Then ask another veggie or protein. "Hmm lets see if there is any chicken in here. Nope, you brushed this side great too." How about fruit? "No way I can't believe this not a speck of apple in here!!" You are are good at brushing your teeth!!

  It was so awful brushing my one daugher's hair that we suggested she get it cut shorter. She agreed and was happy to no longer have tangles. After we shampoo we use an organic hair conditioner and we brush it through before rinsing. Also we have found for longer hair that it gets tangled while sleeping. We found for longer hair that loosely braiding can help or getting a pillow case made of a silky material.

• What about the toothpaste? I had read, while pregnant with Derek, that Laura Shandley (sp?) had reversed tooth decay in herself. I also picked up somewhere along the line that glycerin prohibits re-enameling. My oldest son has had a lot of trouble with baby molars in the last couple years, so I made up a tooth powder-no glycerin.

  I had a cavity on the back corner of my back molar I couldn't stand to even touch with a brush. I started just swishing over it, and now, after about 5 months, I can scrub it too, no more pain. I'm guessing it's getting better. My middle two boys started using the powder because their big brother did, I hadn't even tried at first because it's an accomplishment to get them to brush. We have well water, so no fluoride, I consider this a long term experiment!

  Not sure if you could get a 2 year old to enjoy the powder, though, but I prefer it, taste and texture, now. My teeth feel cleaner.

• Another thought about toothpaste... Could it be the texture that is revolting her? Something said above made me remember my own battles over tooth brushing. I hate toothpaste - especially the gel kind. It would make me gag. So here are some suggestions:

  - Try different toothpastes & powders. You can get the travel sizes at the drug store.

  - Use less paste or no paste. For a while I only used paste in the morning, and scubbed with salt water at night.

  - Foam the toothpaste with your finger first. This avoids the gross texture of the paste but you get all the benefits.

• Those are great suggestions, but in our case, my daughter loves the paste, it is getting the brush toward the back of her mouth that bothers her. Funny, since I posted this, and maybe because we were at a crisis point, she has decided to brush them herself and do it well (and allow me to "help" by reminding her where to brush). It's been a few days but tomorrow I will have to check and make sure that this is getting her teeth clean enough. I think it is, though! Yay!

• Another idea that's made my 2.5 year old son excited about having his teeth brushed: We started naming his teeth. I'll ask him "who" he wants to have brushed first and try to make up new, silly names each time. Then we think of names for each tooth as it's brushed. If he starts getting antsy before we're done all I have to do is say, "I think we missed Buster, shall we brush him as well?" and he's happy to wait until "everyone" has had their turn with the toothbrush.