Kids Development

by community
for MotherSpirit

Can someone give me the all kids develop on their own timetable pep talk? Or, if it sounds like there's a genuine problem, be honest with me.

DS's verbal development has always been "behind" - by everyone's accounts, not just the snarky ped who recommended speech therapy. I ignored that because I didn't want to think there was really anything wrong with him - and worse, during a visit my parents heavily implied that *I* was doing something wrong because he would surely be speaking better if I were doing things right. Well, he seems to have caught up a LOT in the past couple months, but he is still hard to understand. I am able to understand him clearly and DH can too (if he's actually paying attention), but most other people cannot. He cannot say his own name - he tries hard (and can say our last name clearly) but can't come close to pronouncing his first name. I am hearing that other people's children a few months younger can *write* their own names, and my child can't even SAY his name! FWIW, he will be 3 in three weeks.

He can count to eleven but not beyond that. He has made no progress in this regard in at least 3-4 months. He knows all the colors and all the letters of the alphabet (and tries very hard to read), but cannot identify shapes. If you ask him how old he is, he does not answer (I don't think he can). He cannot draw in a straight line - if you give him a crayon he just scribbles. Supposedly he "should" be able to do more than this. (???)

I generally believe kids should develop on their own schedule but I'm starting to feel like I'm failing him somehow. Like (gods forbid) he'd even be better off in daycare - and you KNOW how strongly I feel about that! - where at least he'd see other kids and have some structured activities. Maybe he's not learning well because he's home with me and I'm not doing enough to develop his potential. If he IS truly behind in his verbal development and that's my fault (which is my real fear) how could I even consider homeschooling? UGH.

THE RESPONSES:

  • Oh, I can TOTALLY relate...As you probably know, our DS is also "behind" in the speech development thing. He also, seems to me, seems behind in a more "emotional" type of way too.

    When DS turned 2, he had no words that were intelligble and we did take him to a speech pathologist. Let me just tell you what they did in that visit in case it makes you feel better. We basically were put in a room, DS, DH and myself, with a BUNCH of toys. DS played with the toys and interacted as usual with DH and I. Few minutes later, speech/psych guy comes in and talks to us while DS plays, tries to talk to DS then shows DS some pictures and asks if DS can identify certain things "Can you show me the ball?" Their basic assessment was two-fold... There are two types of lingual development - receptive and damn what the other one - one basically means what you understand and the other is what you can say. DS's understanding was on target with the "charts" but is ability to talk was more than a year behind those same charts. Along with that, they gave me their best guess as to why - DS was very interested in playing with me and interacting with me and appeared to be a, as they put it, "securely attached" child; however, he was STRONGLY independent - wanted no assistance, wanted to show me his accomplishments and was generally "into" doing it his way. They told me this was doing two things - the original reason we took him in was because we noticed HE was getting very frustrated with our inability to understand him. They told us that he was frustrated because he wanted to do this but he didn't want me to help him do it and I couldn't understand him. They recommended that I find someone else to talk to him continually so that he could watch speech patterns of someone other than me. Now, this all rang true because I, his mama, am the EXACT same way when it comes to things (oh the stories DH can tell of me being stuck in the middle of the ocean, refusing help, but crying crying crying). When I said that we really didn't have anyone else around that could be with him that much, they recommended Blue's Clues.

    Within 3 weeks, DS had like 30 words and it seemed to do the trick as far as teaching him "how" to talk (they said he was moving his tongue incorrectly). Still "behind" though and sometimes we'd worry. What we've noticed is that he does learn at his own pace. Every now and again things just "click"... like in the past few weeks he's suddenly making multiple sentences "Daddy go, DS do" "Come on baby, come play" (said to a 1 year old). Still most of his speech is intellible to us only although my mom is getting better with it.

    With other skills, we've noticed that DS concentrates in specific areas at specific times unlike other children who try their hand at many things. He's very physical - can jump and do physical things that a lot of children his age can't... and at the same time can't do some of the more "cognitive" things other children can like understand if this then that (although he's coming around on this too). DS can count to 20 (not really legible past 13 to anyone but us), knows the alphabet, colors and some shapes. Can't draw a straight light but LOVES to draw circles (in fact, I don't even think he's ever tried to draw a straight line), he can't say how old he is... he can say his name but rarely talks to other people besides myself, DH, my mom and DH's dad. He is extremely "shy" about talking to people and is labeled such quite often.

    I know its hard to figure it out and feel secure - I still freak out from time to time about it. I am hoping maybe hearing how DS is might help you - it certainly helps me to hear I'm not alone either in my concerns or in the "development delay" DS seems to have in certain areas.

    I can tell you that I took him to the ped about a month ago for our yearly "get to know" you visit and she was completely unconcerned about his speech at that point (same dr. who did have us do the therapy) saying he was moving along. She did tell me to be aware for any further signs of HIM being frustrated or any LACK of progress that those are the bigger indicators of something being "wrong".

    Also, FYI, most ins. cos will not pay for any type of speech therapy lest the delay is caused by something like a stroke.

    The other thing we've noticed is that reading A LOT of books EVERY DAY has really helped. I mean A LOT and multiple times a day... changing the books and making sure the variety has kept up (which means getting a lot of books )

    • That sounds just like DD! His receptive speech has always been on schedule or ahead, but he has had much more trouble speaking words. We *have* seen a lot of progress in his speech since July (when I quit my p/t job and started staying home) - prior to that I don't think I was listening closely enough and he was getting frustrated. I have since noticed that he gets really frustrated trying to talk to DH, because if DH doesn't understand him and DS keeps repeating himself, DH will just tune him out. I finally figured out that when DS is repeating himself he's trying SOOO hard to communicate something and he really appreciates it if I continue making the effort to decipher it. I encouraged him to use gestures to pantomime what he's trying to say and that seems to help a lot. He is now talking in multiple sentences fairly frequently. I realize everything sounds like a huge ditto to your post, but DS also concentrates intently on learning one new skill at a time - often to the exclusion of (or even regression in!) others.

      He sounds just like DS - he is also VERY attached to me, yet is very independent. (Ugh, now that I think of it emotionally needy but stubbornly independent describes me too!) He usually refuses my help and it is rare that he'll actually *ask* me to help him with anything. And I also think he's a little behind emotionally, too. Something funky has been going on with him emotionally in the past couple weeks in particular and I'm not sure what - if DH or I ask him not to do something, he'll burst into tears and say "I sorry Mommy and Daddy! Me sorry!" and run to his room and slam the door and just *bawl*. And if we try to talk to him and explain that it's not a big deal (or even comfort him) he refuses to let us in. It's very weird, but that's another post.

      Any clues about the causes of physically-advanced, verbally-behind and emotionally immature boys? Is this just his temperment or *am* I doing something wrong? What did the speech therapist tell you?

      • My understanding is that it is very normal; especially in boys for there to be huge leaps physically and then a "delay" emotionally... I've also read that this is VERY common for spirited boys. DS is most certainly spirited although not spirited in the way I see the term used the majority of the time - his feelings are intense and therefore dealing with him is very intense while he is very mellow as a person, he's also very intense. I don't think you are doing anything anymore than I think we are although I think, for awhile, we didn't read to DS enough. The speech therapist didn't address this directly except to tell me what I've said above. The ST was also quite supportive of the attachment and never even alluded to that being of issue, in fact, he seemed downright pleased with it.

        One of the things that DH and I finally figured out with DS...when he was/does get really frustrated when we can't understand, whomever is talking to him will take his hand and say "Show me"... now, if DS tries a few times to tell us and we don't get it, he'll just take our hand and say "Show me" :> There are still times when showing isn't an option - like today in the car I swear he was saying "See Halloween" but I couldn't figure out WHAT he was talking about so I just make it a point to say "I'm sorry, buddy, mommy just isn't quite getting what you are saying."

        Perhaps the two of us can do more research into this and see what we come up with an do an article or something. Seems there must be something out there...I know I saw it mentioned in one book but I can't remember which one.

        • DD saw a speech therapist while at school and he wasn't at all concerned about DS's language development - DS has a HUGE vocabulary and even now at 7 some of his words are hard to make out if you don't know him. I worried about it a lot *until* he saw the speech therapist, so maybe having DS evaluated will put your mind at ease?

          DS can explain long division but doesn't know his birthday, can navigate home by landmarks on the horizon but can't remember our address, never misses hitting a ball with his cricket bat but can't catch a small rubber ball is almost a yellow belt in karate which involves a great deal of balance but can't ride a bike.

          DS is VERY attached to me, VERY spirited - physically and intellectually, VERY emotional and independent. Some things matter to him and others simply don't. I think that affects his "chart development" a great deal.

          The only thing I worry about is that he missed out on crawling and went straight to walking and has some sensory integration problems because of it.

          • Yes, I totally see this being DS! He can find his way home from miles away on his scooter, has the balance of a gymnast... exactly what you said - some things matter and some don't.

            I do have to agree with you - I worried FAR FAR more about DS before the speech therapist. That's partly why I told Holly what they did so that she could see it wasn't this huge medical fest of words and labels at all. I worry FAR less now having done that and watching for the progression signs more than "on the chart" signs.

          • Thank you - that sounds just like DS too! He can recognize landmarks a mile from our house but has no clue what street we live on. I was sorta bugged by that since I used to nanny for two children (2.5 and 3.5) who could recite their names, full addresses and phone numbers like a song. But he can explain how the cat makes poop if you ask him LOL! Like DS, DS knows plenty about the things he's interested in - maybe he can't write his name, but he can tell you exactly which ingredients go into chocolate chip cookies and how long to cook them. He has his priorities If I continue to be worried I'll take him to be evaluated, but hearing that there are at least 2 other boys like him is greatly reassuring.

            BTW J also walked before he could crawl and has some sensory integration/learning ability issues related to that even still because nobody was ever aware of them, so I know about those challenges!

  • An idea for frustration when talking; I don't know, you probably do this already but I thought I'd throw it out there. You could try asking him if there's a different way to tell you - I know with DD if she couldn't get me to understand something one way, often she could think of different words to use to say it, but she wouldn't think to do that herself.

    I remember one day we were talking about my mom's house, and she was saying something for like five minutes, I thought was door? or dooo? I had no idea. I finally remembered to ask if she could say it a different way and she said "all the little girls" - she was saying DOLL. Yes, my mom has about 300 dolls, many of which are nearly DD's size...little girls indeed!