My youngest child is a bully. How did this happen? I thought it was the older ones that were supposed to pick on the younger ones? E is nearing 3 and is my builder. J is nearing 18 months and is my destroyer. E was NEVER EVER a destroyer - even as an 18 month old. E builds elaborate towers. J knocks them down. If I place my body in the middle to let E build on one side and J build/destroy on the other, it doesn't work. J insists on getting to E's tower and knocking it down. When E cries, J laughs at him.

E builds a long train track and carefully lines up his trains on it. J grabs the track/train and derails it. He will run with one of the train cars and then throw it. E only cares about the train, and goes back to work rebuilding. J waits until E is done, and then attacks again.

The same goes for every activity E does. J follows him around. If E is at the window blocking his way, he actually grabs his shirt and tries to knock him down. E is almost 18 months older and has about 15 pounds on J, but he rarely reciprocates this behavior. If E is painting, J grabs his paper away from him (even if presented his own brushes and paper!)

This morning, we had another train episode. I tried words to explain to J that E is unhappy with what he is doing. I isolated E so he could play with his train by himself, which was OK for ten minutes, then E wanted me back in his room. I tried redirection (NOT) and blocking J from E. (J threw a temper tantrum and tried to hit me.) I finally put J in the crib twice for a time-out, which made the behavior cease.

Sigh. What am I doing wrong here? I know that J is acting normal - and that knocking things down is a stage - but I want to respect E's desire to build things in my presence without J destroying it. How do I meet both children's needs? E does not mind if I am in the room with J interacting with J, but he wants me to be there because once in awhile he wants me to see what he is doing. He likes to tell me stories about the train. What do Positive Parents do in situations like this?

THE RESPONSES:

• First of all, I would completely drop the term bully. This is age appropriate behaviour and your goal should be to provide outlets for that as well as making space for E to work on his own.

  J is still to young to play *with* E, especially if those activities require him to curb his natural impulse to destroy (both of my kids enjoy/ed being tower knocker overers) but its very natural for him to want to play by his brother - as far as he's concerned E is building things SO he can destroy them.

  I would give E a special space to play or paint - a tall table and a high stool, while J plays on the ground. Or move the play to a place where you can redirect J, find things MORE engrossing - like a sensory table experience. Or respect the fact that some times you won't be able to be in the room with E if E is going to be doing small toy imaginative play. J deserves to have his needs met and respected as well. Punishing J will only lead to MORE sibling rivalry I think.

• And I wonder if J does this because it is the only way Ethan acknowledges his existence? E really doesn't show much interest in J other than being really upset when J bothers him, or more correctly, the things E is working on.

  The reason I am using the term bully is because J is so aggressive. I am not sure of a better word to use for it? He bites and hits when he doesn't get his way, which is a new experience for us in our own children. E has been 'bullied' by other kids - kids who shove him and grab things from his hands, etc., I guess I always looked at bullies as using physical aggression to get their way, and it seems like J, with the way he sometimes pushes and tries to tackle E and hits us, that he is using his body to express himself. Perhaps a better term is 'physically aggressive' - or is that just as bad as bully? Maybe 'physically expressive'?

  I have given E space, which he likes for a little while and then wants me to join him. And I have given J A LOT of other activites in my attempt to redirect. It's like he knows I am trying to manipulate him through redirection and just refuses to show interest in things that I know he loves to do - like bubbles in the sink, bathtime, crayons, etc. I have put E in the cage in order for me to be in the same room, but then J pokes his hands through the bars and grabs stuff that way. I had the playpen up for a couple of months but J spent his whole time crying outside of it. That's the thing - if I separate them then J cries and then E gets upset because he wants me with him - and face it, a playpen and cage simply does not give him the floor space he desires. Putting E at the table means J cries trying to climb whatever he can in order to get onto the table. It's like he is so bonded to E, but the feeling is not reciprocated.

  I have built towers so J can knock them down - but he is not interested as long as E is nearby building towers as well. I am having a hard time putting this to words, but I almost would say J is desperate for E. I mean, he shows the same behavior when he wants to nurse and dh tries to hold him for a couple of minutes until I am ready. He cries so hard and is so angry. Right before he latches onto me, he smiles at dh.

  Thanks, though. I'll try to watch my terminology. I think the way we interpret something can have a negative impact on how we deal with a behavior, so I know I need to stop looking at what J is doing as hurting E, but instead as his attempt to get E to play with him.

• Being physically demonstrative is totally age appropriate too. You need to model better ways of expression for your child and it's going to take until he's able to really verbally express himself to get past this stage. He may not be as introspective as your firstborn, but that doesn't make him a problem. I think you should be careful about drawing comparisons too much - especially when dealing with conflict between your kids.

  Just keep showing him how you'd prefer he dealt with frustration. With my daughter we say gentle touching like this and show her how to pat. If she hits in anger or frustration we acknowledge her anger and frustration, we give her hugs and show her how we deal with frustration. If she can't control the impulse we remove her from the situation.

• BINGO!!!! While I agree that this is age appropriate behaviour for J, I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that this is the only way to get his brother to acknowledge his existence! I had have the exact same dynamic in my house. My eldest has NEVER hit anyone in her life...my youngest...well she is a bruiser! I can tell you it does get better with age, soon your youngest will be at an age where he better understands that his brother is hurt by his actions, at first this will not stop the impulse behaviour but it is a step in the right direction.

  We had a hard time with this because our rule was no hitting or physical violence and this was the only time we would step in, this did not work. B would ignore K, K would try to get attention in positive ways, B would still ignore K, so K would hurt B. It certainly was not OK to hurt B, but our rule meant we were only ever addressing K's behaviour. B began to use this as a powerplay knowing that she could do as she pleased and not have to deal with the repercussion outside of getting walloped by K...sigh. I have never read a sibling rivalry book that adequately addresses this issue and until I experienced it I thought I would know how to deal with it but their are so many variables involved, I understand that this is tough, believe me I do.

  First I will say that J needs to be told constantly how his actions make E feel. He is young so this will take time to make sense to him but eventually it will, and like I say at first it will not effect his impulse behaviour but as he gets older it will.

  Secondly we had to realize that this was not just K's issue but that B had a part to play too. First we realized that we had raised her to be a victim (sad but true) "hitting is never the answer" was our motto and while it is a good one kids have to realize that they have the right to defend themselves. How was K going to realize that her behaviour hurt B if B never expressed that to K? We certainly didn't advocate hitting back but we told her it was OK to say NO, defend what she had made or was playing with and that she had to TELL K how it made her feel. If this ultimately means one kids pushing another to get him off of you then I would rather that than to have your child believe she should submit because "hitting back is never the answer." Believe me, I NEVER thought I would take this stance! But the reality is that if you tell you child to never fight back you are creating a victim and this is dangerous. (I think this is a very important issue for girls especially.) Most importantly we had to open our eyes to the fact that B had a part to play because she was retaliating by withholding her affection (sounds like there might be some of this at your house too). K NEEDED attention from her sister, she loves her, actually IDOLIZES her and just as with parents, kids will seek ANY attention from their siblings because it is better than NO attention at all. We explained to B (OVER AND OVER again because it took a long time for her to change her behaviour) that if she ignored K when she spoke and refused to play with her that K was going to communicate with B with the only means that was left, and for her that was her fists. This did not make it right but to ignore the reality of it was just perpetuating the behaviour.

  We expect K to use her words and not her hands (though at 2.5 we are aware that she is still very limited by her vocabulary), we expect her to respect others and this means not violating them. We ALSO expect B to respect K by showing her the same attention as she would anyone else. We expect her to answer K when she is talking and to acknowledge her existence. This has made a HUGE difference for us. I am sure part of it is because K is getting older (2.5 now) and understands better but I also think it is because they understand that as siblings they have an obligation to respect each other EVEN if they don't particularly LIKE each other at that point in time.

• Great post! I WAS B! and my mother always set my little brother up as the "troublemaker" and me as the victim, and you know I was a passive aggressive BITCH to him at times because I knew I could be!!!!

• What does your older son think about the younger one's behavior? Is he as bothered by it as you are? (Is he sad/mad that his train got messed up, or does he just start building it again?) I don't have a whole lot of advice, but my first instinct upon reading your post was to let the boys work this out themselves. I don't think the younger one is being "a bully"--he's being a typical little brother! I agree with the suggestion of giving the older one places where he CAN go if he wants to be free of his little brother's "attention," but beyond that I don't think there's a whole lot else to be done....but I only have one kid so I could be way off base. (Btw, he could be classified as a "destroyer" as well.)

• Yes, he gets very mad and tells J to go away, please. He then asks me to make J stop. He has even gone as far as to destroy his own things so J won't do it first.

  E is the first child I have come across who was a builder from the start. I think it is 'normal' to be just the opposite. But we have come to respect his need for patterns (he stacks blocks symetrically. He was a late talker, but now can recognize 10 words and spell/write 5 of them. He has zero desire to do group activities. I want to emphasize that he will be 3 next month. The fact he can write words is not 'normal' for his age - I know that. I think of him as still a little boy - no matter how smart he is - he has emotional needs that I don't feel I am meeting when I don't interfere, and I allow J to ruin his things.

  What I am having a hard time dealing with is meeting both their needs for me to be there for them. On the one hand, I want E to feel secure in building. On the other hand, I want J to feel like it is OK/normal for him to want to destroy/interact with his brother. I mean, if you saw a kid picking on your child in a playground, would you just let them work it out - even if it was the other child who constantly won? Is this what I am doing wrong? Should I let them work it out physically between them?

• I would stop physical fighting, but I would let them work this out with minimal interference. You can help your eldest by showing him options like leaving the room.

• OK. I have spent the last 5 days trying different things, and what seems to be working is telling E to give J a big hug every time he takes his things, messes up his blocks, etc. I tell E that J is trying to get E to pay attention to him.

  Working with E is much more productive than my attempts to control J. Because E is older, it is just easier to use more reason/logic with him. This seems to be calming J down. He is more willing to sit and watch E play since it is not eliciting the desired reaction. J found the sound E made when mad quite funny and liked to be chased by his brother. Anyway, E is seeing that his hugging J is getting the desired results.

  I am also coming up with activities where E needs to play with J in order for the activity to be fun. The activities I have come up with are peekaboo and parachute and tag and JumpStart Baby on the computer (E controls the mouse and J the keyboard).