We were at my inlaws the other day and my father in law picked up my dd. She doesn't let anyone near her except dh and I, and she has learned the word no, so she told her grandpa no. In other words she wanted to be put down. He didn't put her down right away. He knew she wanted to go downstairs, she likes to climb up and down stairs because we don't have any, and said he would take her down and she would be fine. I told him no in a very firm voice while grabing her from his arms. At another point in the day he tried to tickle her and she said no. He tickled her again and she giggled while saying no. FIL then said she says no, but she doesn't mean it. I almost lost my mind. This is a very sensitive issue for me. I was going to write him an email to tell him the importance of respecting someone and listening when they say no. What kind of points should I include? I was going to mention that Dd (20 months)is at the development stage where she is discovering the power of words. I need her to learn that her words have power and that he needs to respect her "no" when it comes to personal boundary issues.

This is a challenging situation for me. Dh's parents want so much to interact with dd but dd doesn't want to interact with them. As a baby she would cry when anyone other than me would hold her. At that stage FIL would try witholding her from me and I would have to physically take her back. Now that dd can talk, she is letting them know that she doesn't want them to hold her. I understand that could hurt their feelings, but they are adults and can deal with it. It is my responsibility to make sure dd's needs are met and that her bounderies aren't being crossed. I have discussed with FIL before that we don't want to force dd to interact becase it doesn't send her a healthy message. I am hoping that a more detailed email will help solve the problem. I almost have an anxiety attack before we leave to visit because I know I will have to pry my child away form FIL. Any suggestions on how else to deal with this situation or what to say in the email are appreciated.

THE RESPONSES:

• Did you talk about boundaries with your in-laws when your daughter was a baby? I noticed that you said that this would also happen when she was very small, and you had to take her back from your FIL then. Did you talk to him/them about this back then, but he just refused to listen?

  When my daughter was very small we had the same issues to deal with my father. He would *really* want to hold her and when she started to fuss thought that he could comfort her and wanted me to wait until he tried. We had many, many conversations about why it was important that he give her back to me the very second that she indicated a need for me. It turns out that he was hurting because he thought that I didn't trust him with her, and he felt that she must not like him. (He is a tad emotionally immature.)

  I emailed him information about the importance of attachment, of not letting babies cry for what we obviously know that they need. (In this case, to be in mothers arms.) We talked about how babies and children need to feel safe to explore the world and other people from the safety of momma's arms, and that when she was ready to interact with him that she would do so of her own accord.

  It is over two years later and he GETS IT. He takes whatever affection and attention that he can get from my daughter and her cousin (similar age) and knows when to leave them alone. He's learned to interpret their body language, and ALWAYS listens to their words. I am absolutely positive that if we hadn't nipped this in the bud when she was a baby, and he had continued to impose himself on her space that she would have no interest in being with him at this point, and would likely avoid him at all costs.

• We did talk about it when my daughter was small. Unfortuantely it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I'm glad that your FIL gets it. That is great for your daughter and must be a relief for you. This whole situation stresses me out. Did you ever feel stressed by it?

  When my daughter was small, my FIL too thought that he could comfort her and like your FIL wanted me to wait until he tried. I did explain that he needed to give her back as soon as she indicated she needed me. I also let him know she needed to be in mama's arms to explore the world and get to know people and interact with them.

  Maybe my FIL thinks that my daughter doesn't like him or that I don't trust him too. I have reassured FIL and MIL that dd is like this with everyone because I sensed that he is very hurt that she won't interact with him. MIL made the comment the other day that by the time she interacts with them she will be too heavy to hold. What is that suppose to mean? Why is it so important to interact with dd while holding her? Did you ever ask your FIL why it was so important to hold your daughter when she was young? Maybe I should ask my FIL.

  I have also mentioned to FIL that if he imposes himself on my daughter and doesn't give her space that she would not have any interest in interacting with him. I think that would be extremely sad if that happened. We don't see FIL and MIL too often and this would be one of the reasons. I will try the email and see if that helps to open his eyes. Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me some hope that it is possible for people to eventually realize that you need to let children interact with you on their own terms and when they are comfortable.

• Just a thought... You said, "I have also mentioned to FIL that if he imposes himself on my daughter and doesn't give her space that she would not have any interest in interacting with him. I think that would be extremely sad if that happened. We don't see FIL and MIL too often and this would be one of the reasons." Could you arrange to see your inlaws more often? Have them come over and play, socialize, hang out. If your daughter sees them more in comfortable and familiar surroundings, where they are interacting with you and her, perhaps she will be more comfortable around them. Let them know that you want them to have close relationship with her that they wish, but it needs to be on your daughter's terms. Let them know before they come that they need to just be cool and wait for her to come to them. Sit beside them on the couch so everyone is close, and it's easy for her to play with her grandfather while still being very close to you.

• This drove me NUTS when my son was younger. People used to think it was so "cute" when he said no and they completely ignored it. Total strangers, too. They'd approach him and get into his face, and when he said "no" because he didn't like it, they's giggle and do it again, saying stuff like "oh isn't that cute, he said no." ARGH!!! I found it worked well to voice his fear and frustration for him, reassuring him in front of the offending person, e.g., "Yes, it is scary when someone you don't know tries to pick you up (or poke you or pinch your cheek), and it's frustrating when you say no and they don't listen. You did the right thing by telling them no." Usually that would get the message across in a relatively gentle way. Sometimes I'd have to point out a little less gently, "He said no. That means he wants you to stop." If they tried to tell me he didn't mean it or that he needed to get used to it, I'd remind them that in order for him to feel secure in his world, he had to be allowed to set limits on his own body and who could touch or carry it.

  Side note: I wonder how they think a child will learn to respect "no" coming from adults if they learn so early on that when they say it themselves, no one listens???

  My mother was really bothered when my son entered his separation anxiety phase and refused to go to her anymore. Between about 6 months and 18 months, he wouldn't stay happily with anyone but me or dad. My MIL visited from across the country a couple of times and she was bugged too. She'd say to him "Come on, I'm your grandma!" as if that should matter to him. I consistently reassured them that he would develop a special relationship with them when he was ready, and sure enough by age 2 he grew to adore them, especially my mom whom he sees often. (He calls her his friend now, the ultimate compliment.)

  I think it's hard for grandparents who have these fantasies of being the adored grandma and grandpa to step back and wait for the child to want it. Also (I know this was the case with my mom) sometimes they expect you to need them more, and at some level there is some envy that this precious little baby they love so much won't have anything to do with them but loves you so. And of course if they were more detached as parents, they expect you to force things/people on the baby just because they did it that way and they really think they know best. Respecting a child's need for a safety zone--heck, respecting a child period is a relatively new concept in our society, IMO.