This is pretty personal but does anyone else just not care if they don’t have sex? I mean, I feel so bad for my DH…but I really don’t get into it. I need to find something to spark my interest but I don’t know what.

I have some issues with sex due to past abuses and I realize that. I mean I’ve had great sex before, I think. DH tends to be very passive about sex and I don’t really respond much to that..I like my aggression but he just isn’t that person. I know I need to try something but I just don’t know what..what do you do when you just don’t know HOW, WHAT, WHERE…

THE RESPONSES:

  • OMG! I could have written your post!  I don’t have any insights or answers, just empathy. I know my lack of desire is connected with my depression (I have been battling depression on and off for years).  The relational problems DH and I have been dealing with also affect my ability to feel loving towards him physically – my needs need to be met in my head and heart before they can be met anywhere else kwim?! Not that I deliberately withhold sex, its just , I don’t feel the spark.  I’d like things to change for me too, but don’t really know where to begin either!
  • I think it is a rare womyn who doesn’t identify at some point.  My DH and I have a great relationship, but after the kids and the fact that I am 55lb heavier than I have ever been at any point in my lifetime, I’m simply not feeling like the sensual womyn.  I usually start with "mercy" sex but then I get into it and find out I have a great time.  I was molested as a child (11yo) but I really don’t think it has anything to do with it. It is the kids and my body image.
  • I felt this way for the first year after the birth of my child. It hurt our relationship terribly, but that was because of DH’s issues. He wasn’t able to separate me not wanting him sexually from me not wanting him at all – relates back to his own past abuse.  Have you tried, um, experimenting? I have two books. They are pretty mellow but quite informative – at least we learned a few things. One is for men and one for women. I really enjoyed them and so did DH.

    • I think this idea is good, often we womyn have to get ourselves mentally prepared long before the sex takes place. Try reading erotica, you don’t even have to go out and buy any, there is plenty online (though sometime it can be daunting to find it since you tend to run into a lot of porn…erotica is nice…porn is not) It is a little nicer though to buy a book, we have a couple we take tuns reading each other stories then when we are BOTH hot we move on to big and better things. I am sure you have a few tasteful book stores around where you live, you no longer have to sneak into the local smutty hole-in-the-wall to find erotica, I bet Barnes and Noble carries a bunch. The other thing that makes a big difference is TALKING! LOL You say that your DH is passive about sex and you are not turned on by this, he has to know that. I had a hard time telling my DH about my fantasies, because many of them included aggressive overtly passionate sex. I felt as though this made me a freak, how could I have been molested and raped and yet still desire to be tied up? It often felt like since I desired this kind of sex I must have liked being forced as a child and youth. This was a HUGE struggle for me and lead to countless loveless and unsatisfying sexual relationships. Then a light went on …the reason I desired or fantasized about these thing was because I wanted to be able to relive the events BUT have complete control over them and know that I was not going to be hurt. It is kind of like when you go to the store and meet that nasty lady who says all those nasty things to you about nursing a toddler or not "working for a living" you stand there speechless and seethe for hour afterwards thinking of all the things you "Should have said". Fantasies and role play allow to relive an event but control it , you own the event instead of it owning you. I think many of us that have been abused fear sex and our sexuality because to be loved we must partake in the exact act that has violated us so many times before….we can either let this destroy our sex life OR use it to our advantage.
      • I haven’t been to this site in a while….but it used to be pretty good: www.cleansheets.com
      • Erotica..mhmm…the only thing I’ve ever read is Nancy Friday’s books. Tell me some good erotica to try.
        • oooh oooh try the sleeping beauty series by Anne Rice…I think her novels are trashy and cheap but her erotica is great! I think she went by the name Anne Rampage or something like that when she wrote them but you will find them, they will probably get you hot! I couldn’t stop wanting to get me some when I was reading them. Oh no, even thinking about it makes me…….well, that subject can be discussed later LOL
          • Anne Rampling or A.N. Roquelaure
      • One thing that clicked for me WRT fantasies…and early abuse is something that another friend once said (and allowed me to embrace my fantasies). That when you have been abused it is your first sexual imprint. Your psyche is imprinted with that act and it becomes what you fall back on. Well, she said it much better than I.
  • Yep, we’ve been together for 11 years….We’ve had periods of time when we’ve had sex daily (or more) and times when we went a year without sex. For us anyway, we accept it as the ebb and flow of life.

  • Think up some great fantasies….A friend and I have talked about this before and it was so funny….we have many of the same ones! Fantasy definitely helps get me going with sex. Also just pretending that you are way into it, and that you are just the sexiest thing in the world and your DH just can’t help himself always works really quickly LOL! Just work around themes on that one, I’m sure you’ll come up with something nice

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