I felt this way for the first year after the birth of my child. It hurt our relationship terribly, but that was because of DH's issues. He wasn't able to separate me not wanting him sexually from me not wanting him at all - relates back to his own past abuse. Have you tried, um, experimenting? I have two books. They are pretty mellow but quite informative - at least we learned a few things. One is for men and one for women. I really enjoyed them and so did DH.
- I think this idea is good,
often we womyn have to get ourselves mentally prepared long before the
sex takes place. Try reading erotica, you don't even have to go out and
buy any, there is plenty online (though sometime it can be daunting to
find it since you tend to run into a lot of porn...erotica is
nice...porn is not) It is a little nicer though to buy a book, we have a
couple we take tuns reading each other stories then when we are BOTH hot
we move on to big and better things. I am sure you have a few tasteful
book stores around where you live, you no longer have to sneak into the
local smutty hole-in-the-wall to find erotica, I bet Barnes and Noble
carries a bunch. The other thing that makes a big difference is TALKING!
LOL You say that your DH is passive about sex and you are not turned on
by this, he has to know that. I had a hard time telling my DH about my
fantasies, because many of them included aggressive overtly passionate
sex. I felt as though this made me a freak, how could I have been
molested and raped and yet still desire to be tied up? It often felt
like since I desired this kind of sex I must have liked being forced as
a child and youth. This was a HUGE struggle for me and lead to countless
loveless and unsatisfying sexual relationships. Then a light went on
...the reason I desired or fantasized about these thing was because I
wanted to be able to relive the events BUT have complete control over
them and know that I was not going to be hurt. It is kind of like when
you go to the store and meet that nasty lady who says all those nasty
things to you about nursing a toddler or not "working for a
living" you stand there speechless and seethe for hour afterwards
thinking of all the things you "Should have said". Fantasies
and role play allow to relive an event but control it , you own the
event instead of it owning you. I think many of us that have been abused
fear sex and our sexuality because to be loved we must partake in the
exact act that has violated us so many times before....we can either let
this destroy our sex life OR use it to our advantage.
- I haven't been to this site in a while....but it used to be pretty good: www.cleansheets.com
- Erotica..mhmm...the
only thing I've ever read is Nancy Friday's books. Tell me some good
erotica to try.
- oooh oooh try the
sleeping beauty series by Anne Rice...I think her novels are
trashy and cheap but her erotica is great! I think she went by
the name Anne Rampage or something like that when she wrote them
but you will find them, they will probably get you hot! I
couldn't stop wanting to get me some when I was reading them.
Oh no, even thinking about it makes me.......well, that subject
can be discussed later LOL
- Anne Rampling or A.N. Roquelaure
- oooh oooh try the
sleeping beauty series by Anne Rice...I think her novels are
trashy and cheap but her erotica is great! I think she went by
the name Anne Rampage or something like that when she wrote them
but you will find them, they will probably get you hot! I
couldn't stop wanting to get me some when I was reading them.
- One thing that clicked for me WRT fantasies...and early abuse is something that another friend once said (and allowed me to embrace my fantasies). That when you have been abused it is your first sexual imprint. Your psyche is imprinted with that act and it becomes what you fall back on. Well, she said it much better than I.
Yep, we've been together for 11 years....We've had periods of time when we've had sex daily (or more) and times when we went a year without sex. For us anyway, we accept it as the ebb and flow of life.
Think up some great fantasies....A friend and I have talked about this before and it was so funny....we have many of the same ones! Fantasy definitely helps get me going with sex. Also just pretending that you are way into it, and that you are just the sexiest thing in the world and your DH just can't help himself always works really quickly LOL! Just work around themes on that one, I'm sure you'll come up with something nice
