Isn't it funny how after we become parents we are challenged with those things we never expected to be challenged with?  I truly believe this is the Goddess working in her mysterious ways to encourage us to deepen our understanding of ourselves and grow personally. 

I always knew I would breastfeed my son...there was no question to me.  I was surprised when I learned there was a "great debate" over whether to breastfeed or not.  I also always knew I would be a working mother and, in that regard, educated myself about how to successfully breastfeed and be a working mother.  I bought storage bags, bottles (actually, I used the bottles and nipples given to me as a gift - one of many mistakes), a Medela Pump In Style™.  I talked to mothers who had pumped, I made sure my employer knew.  I looked long and hard for childcare options.  I talked to my son's pediatrician.  I didn't know there could be issues...no one ever told me and nothing I read ever suggested that nipple preference was even a consideration.

When I had to return to work, I knew it was the wrong thing and I knew it was not something I could do; however, for financial reasons I had to return to work or pay back my employer 6 months of full-time salary they had paid for my maternity leave.  I didn't quite notice at first...the changes.  I didn't notice that my son would nurse less during our nursing sessions... I didn't think much of it when he began to refuse my breast after I picked him up from daycare.  I knew so many women who had successfully nursed and worked that I didn't even question it.

I finally started noticing that my son would refuse me more often and then entirely.  I coaxed and begged and managed to maintain the nursing relationship by a thread for a few more weeks and then I was met with outright anger if I attempt to latch him to my breast.  He would scream and moan and hit me with his precious little hands and there I would sit in tears with full breasts overflowing.  Eventually, not wanting my milk supply to dry up, I began pumping for the lost nursing session until, finally, I was pumping full time.  Each day I'd attempt to nurse with the same results. 

I looked for help and I tried everything:  nursing in the dark, in quiet, in the light, in noise, half asleep, wide awake, in the shower, walking around with no clothes on, staying in bed for three days nude, in the shower, in the car, outside, inside, in the carseat, while reading, while playing, while standing on my head (well, if I could have I would have)...  I was always met with the same rejection.  I know that it wasn't my breastmilk as I was pumping full-time and he would drink readily from a bottle.  I was convinced it was nipple preference.

There is a difference between nipple preference and nipple confusion. The latter being when a child is confused between the very different suckling actions on a fake nipple and a natural mother's nipple.  Nipple preference, however, is when a child simply prefers the fake nipple over the natural mother's nipple - most likely for reasons of pure instant gratification as drinking from a bottle takes much less effort on the baby's part.

Looking back, there were so many things that I did wrong and so much incorrect information passed my way starting with our son's pediatrician recommending we try bottles at 2 weeks of age (we did at least wait until 4 weeks and then only once every now and again).  According to that pediatrician our son "went both ways" and so we had no need to worry over it - I guess he never heard of nipple preference either.  My son began sleeping through the night when he was 8 weeks old and I used to wake him up before I went to sleep to nurse him...when it became obvious he wouldn't wake up for that nursing, I stopped trying - wrong thing to do.  We used a nipple that didn't resemble my breast when he was given bottles - another bad move. 

I did eventually run out of breastmilk and my son was put on a formula.  I was so upset all the time and my husband told me that I really need to just accept what had happened and move on.  When I talked to a dear friend - an avid proponent of breastfeeding - she said the same thing and I had to take their advice to heart and I tried, with all I could, to accept and move on.

Sometime later, my son got sick and I knew that if he were breastfeeding, the sickness would be helped (I'm not talking a cold but a long-lasting illness).  I decided that I would try to relactate.  I read up on it.  I had a ton of support...I bought two more pumps so I could pump everywhere (by this time I was no longer working full-time outside of the home).  I kept pumps in my car, at home, in the diaper bag.  I pumped every two hours for over 8 weeks and saw nothing..no breast changes and no milk supply showing itself.  I gave up a couple of weeks later after my husband told me, once again, that I really need to let go and move on.  I believe I failed to relactate (even using herbs) for the same reason my milk dried up originally when pumping full-time - my breasts need baby suckling to produce breastmilk...they, obviously, know the difference.

For those of you interested in learning about relactation, please see "Relactation - Helpful Hints"

All in all, not breastfeeding is probably one of the most difficult things I've had to face as a mother.  I've had to question myself, my actions, my devotion, my rationality.  I've had to watch as other mothers suckle their children and savor the rich nursing relationship with their toddler that will never be mine.  I've had to realize that sometimes we have to travel a path which might not seem to hold in it value...but that shows its value eventually.  I know that value in my life is there waiting for me to find it.